Latest WI...When you don't feel like you deserve the SV...

So I WI on Tuesday last week, due to my crazy schedule. I won't be able to WI again due to crazy schedule this Friday...I was down .8 which means:

7/22 BMI @ 193.2: 30.7
8/3 BMI @ 192.8: 30.6

Sadly, I really feel like I didn't deserve it. Yes, I started running again, YES, I got in my GHGs, but I was at like 25 pts in the red...meanwhile the week before that, I was at 3 pts in the red and gained 2.4.

I know I should take it and run with it, but I seriously feel guilty. My thyroid meds did go up in that week, but it really scares me now, bc I feel like my body is going to adjust and I am going to gain again this week. I am so seriously frustrated with myself and my WLJ right now. I have the feeling that no matter what I do, I'm gonna be doing the gain/loss/gain/loss thing. 7 weeks ago I hit my 5%. I want to hit that number again SO badly. I was actually starting to feel good about myself when I got there...Like I could DO IT. Right now, teetering btwn 190 and 195, I feel like I can't, but what's worse, I feel like it's only about 50% my fault when I gain, and 50% my fault when I lose. It's a mindf*ck, to be kind about it. LoL

I was so excited at my 5%, bc I was just "overweight" and not "obese." Now I'm obese again and having a REALLY hard time getting away from it.

And also a REALLY hard time not beating myself up on the day to day. I just want to be below 190 again @ the end of summer! I have my 5 year college reunion in October, and I would love to be at 10%....

Crankypants, bigtime.

C25K W1D2...DONE!

Off to a good start this morning. Got my run in, did lots around the house.

Had a large (but filling) breakfast...and only 5 pts left for dinner, but I will make it work somehow.

I made myself a nice lunch:
Lobster salad (3 pts the way I made it) and put it over a mixture of romaine and iceberg lettuce. Delish. Now to go sit by the pool and sun myself. Love days off.

August...and beyond.

So, today was another "last supper" kinda day. I hate when I eat like this, and even though I reset my WI day to Tuesdays (this seems to be the most consistent day for me to WI with my horrible retail schedule...) I've been nothing but bad and am HUGELY in the red. Emotional eating, for sure...but turning into self-sabotage.

I'm writing tonight to say NO MORE. I need to take control of my thyroid and at least maintain my weight if I can't lose. I DID expense myself a new food scale (on my credit card) I talked to a few other hypothyroid people and they said they need to be COMPLETELY exact in order to lose while they struggle with medication. So, starting tomorrow, that's what I need to be.

As per my blog title, I want to lose this weight FOR GOOD. I lost some of the foci (focuses?) of my blog since moving back home, so I am going to rededicate myself to these as well:
1. post more pictures
2. trying new recipes
3. trying one new food item, per week

At the very least, I have restarted C25K, I want to make myself the runner I WAS once upon a time - I hope to do a half marathon before I'm 30. I did a marathon before I was 25, so I guess I am doing it backwards.

Tomorrow will be C25K W1D2...I'm starting from scratch so I can learn how to appreciate running outdoors once again. Today was pretty good. The dog even came with me!

I just need to remember to take this all one day at a time, and forgive myself for being human...

Tomorrow is July 31. I recommit and put myself first, above all else.

"Food" for Thought

One of my friends from MS (and a Weight Watcher, who just reached goal and was approached about possibly being a leader one day, go JILL!) posted this link to her Facebook wall the other day. Being newly single (5 weeks! Woohoo, now if I could just get him to stop calling every few weeks...) I read it, am going to print it, and check off the things I deem appropriate for me.

Read ladies, take what you like, and leave the rest.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=24751924>1=32023

^A good read for coupled up gals, too!

Offically HATE my thyroid....

...cause it crashed again on Wednesday. When I WI Thursday, I was up 2.4 lbs.

I am so tired and so disgusted w myself. I was MOSTLY OP and earned lots of AP. I was in the red 9 pts, but that does not constitute a 2.4 lb gain.

Ever since Wed, I no longer have any energy (again, like I was 3 weeks ago) and can barely get out of bed after work. So tired. So over it.

I hate my body. I hate what it looks like and feels like, and I hate that my clothes don't fit.

I hate that it's working AGAINST my best efforts. I hate that once upon a time I was 162 and allowed myself to go ALL the way up to 200 again.

I just wasted a Saturday off because I didn't even have the energy to sit by the pool in the sun. This is awful.

I hope I lose this week, otherwise I will have to re-evaluate my WW membership. I haven't been able to afford it since I rejoined, but I figured it was worth the expense. Now, I'm not so sure it's worth the expense until I get my medical issues worked out.

Feel like crying.