It happened....

I was on the stationary bike at the gym yesterday, when it HAPPENED.

I don't really know what "it" is, per se.

But as I pedaled along to The Used blaring in my ears, it dawned on me.

I have less than 30 lbs to a healthy BMI (25.2, to be exact). I need to be and CAN be much closer to goal by the year's end.

When the year started, I planned to be at goal by December 31, 2011. Then life happened and I gained some weight back. I don't think it's realistic to lose 25.2 lbs by then.

But 18 lbs is pretty realistic.

18 is the number of WI's I have until December 31, 2011.

185.2 - 18 = 167.2

^I can DO that. And *if* I don't, it's OK.

I'm GOING to get there...

Plans:
GHGs daily
Gym for 1 hour 3x/week
Plan to plan....to plan

More on this later.

I'm going to lose 18 more lbs in 2011.

I'll be blogging more on this after retail job.

Sooo, we've been talking for a long time....but....

....what is it you look for in a blog?

I need to improve upon my current blog, devote more time to it, and make it more than then than it is.

I appreciate the feedback!!!

KJ

Saturday WI..and back to blogging...and P+

So, today, somehow, I managed to be down .2, though I know I really didn't deserve it at all. The emotional eating has been out of control. Here I am, working on becoming financially fit through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book, and it's raising so many of my stressors bc of the impending negative income I'm about to have. September = income + bills = -bank account

I mean, as you've seen through other postings, there's so much more *to* what I've been going through (since April) but it's really hitting me hard now that I am counting the days until I'm out of healthcare.....I'm panicking, on all accounts, and DBF is running into some financial downfall also. 6 months in, and we're both financially effed. Unless I get a (very unlikely) call from another school to transfer to in the next 3 weeks.....

Anyway, I decided that this week, I need to get my sh!t together, and I'm going to try something that my leader recommends (after talking to her for about 30 mins and crying out of fear and self-loathing). She has told us in meetings before to use your 49 ONLY on indulgences, and to use your DP's to eat "satisfying food" aka your GHGs.

So, I'm trying that. I already used 8 P+ since WI this morning, but I already earned 4AP...I was going to try to run, but my legs feel like rubber from a pole dance class this morning.

I need to get my menus up...and walk the dog. I need to kick my own ass this week. Wish me luck.

Accountability thread....

I posted to an accountability thread on Friday that I would blog my menus Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

However, I did not realize that I have to RE-TYPE everything that I put into my e-tools, and that I couldn't just use a screenshot.

:::crankypants:::

I went 16P+ further into the red last night...oh welly. I'll try to post later. WI post coming in 3...2...

Fat. Fat. Fatty fat fat.

Last week, I weighed in at 185.8.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow, I will weigh in at 187 or higher.

And it feels terrible. Horrible. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to even LOOK at my face in the mirror, because once I am over 181, I can SEE myself getting fatter in my face. I cancelled my scheduled Zumba class today because I can't handle the stress I will feel looking at myself in a mirror for an hour.

I'm having intense feelings of depression. Every day, I start off great. Every lunch, I'm still OP.

But somewhere betweenn 3PM, and bed, it all goes downhill.
I have way too much time to think about how I was blatantly WRONGED by my bosses when they told me I wasn't invited back in April.

I have too much time to think about how there are no openings in the Public schools.

I have too much time to think about WHY I didn't get an interview with the school I screened with, when my in-progress graduate degree is EXACTLY what the position entailed.

I have too much time to think about how I could potentially be making only $300/month in the fall, with medical expenses double or triple that, and no health benefits.

I have too much time to think about how right now, I have no idea if I can actually finish my grad degree bc I have no way to fund it.

There's all of this, and there's SO much more. So then, I eat. Usually, it's not an out-and-out binge, but little BLTs throughout the day. Or a 2x portion size @ dinner. Or bread I didn't plan for bc my dad and bro can't eat anything without fresh italian bread.

I cry all day, almost every other day. I don't know HOW to get out of this misery. I can't stand people telling me to "stay positive" because "it will get better"....because honestly, I have been out of college for 6 years, and hearing this for 6 years.

When do I get my break? When can I STOP this cycle of eating and crying, crying and eating?

I'm so so so lost.

I need to get weight off before I go back to teaching dance in September, otherwise I'm going to have my old "mirror" breakdowns like once a month...**sigh**