Fat. Fat. Fatty fat fat.

Last week, I weighed in at 185.8.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow, I will weigh in at 187 or higher.

And it feels terrible. Horrible. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to even LOOK at my face in the mirror, because once I am over 181, I can SEE myself getting fatter in my face. I cancelled my scheduled Zumba class today because I can't handle the stress I will feel looking at myself in a mirror for an hour.

I'm having intense feelings of depression. Every day, I start off great. Every lunch, I'm still OP.

But somewhere betweenn 3PM, and bed, it all goes downhill.
I have way too much time to think about how I was blatantly WRONGED by my bosses when they told me I wasn't invited back in April.

I have too much time to think about how there are no openings in the Public schools.

I have too much time to think about WHY I didn't get an interview with the school I screened with, when my in-progress graduate degree is EXACTLY what the position entailed.

I have too much time to think about how I could potentially be making only $300/month in the fall, with medical expenses double or triple that, and no health benefits.

I have too much time to think about how right now, I have no idea if I can actually finish my grad degree bc I have no way to fund it.

There's all of this, and there's SO much more. So then, I eat. Usually, it's not an out-and-out binge, but little BLTs throughout the day. Or a 2x portion size @ dinner. Or bread I didn't plan for bc my dad and bro can't eat anything without fresh italian bread.

I cry all day, almost every other day. I don't know HOW to get out of this misery. I can't stand people telling me to "stay positive" because "it will get better"....because honestly, I have been out of college for 6 years, and hearing this for 6 years.

When do I get my break? When can I STOP this cycle of eating and crying, crying and eating?

I'm so so so lost.

I need to get weight off before I go back to teaching dance in September, otherwise I'm going to have my old "mirror" breakdowns like once a month...**sigh**