10 Day You Challenge: Day 5: 6 Places

...Places I'd like to go:

1. Disney - Florida. That place can make me smile when I'm feeling crappy as hell. And this one time, I ran a marathon there.

2. London, cause I've always wanted to.

3. French-speaking Canada, or Paris, to use my limited French.

4. Denver, CO. Lots of friends who live there, and it looks beautiful.

5. Salt Lake City, Utah.....the tourism commercials are amazing.

6. Hawaii.

10 Day You Challenge: Day 4: 7 Wants

1. A teaching job...a return to the classroom. My heart hurts.

2. A vacation. Somewhere warm. It's been 4 years....

3.  To reach and live at my goal weight.

4. To be married, someday.

5. To have children, someday. 

6. To get out of debt.

7. Did I mention a teaching job?

10 Day You Challenge: Day 3: 8 Fears

1. Being alone. This is my hugest fear.


2. I fear never returning to the classroom to teach again.

3. Horror movies.

4. Not being able to conceive my own children.

5. Cancer. It's taking my family by storm lately.

6. I fear that I will lose my sense of self.

7. Diabetes. My mother has it, and I am predisposed to it by BOTH genetics, medical conditions, and my BMI.

8. Losing one of my parents before I get married & have children. I never had any grandfathers (that I remember) and I really don't want my children to experience that.

10 Day You Challenge: Day Two: 9 Loves

1. Flavored lattes: They are a TRUE indulgence for me. Nonfat, sugar-free when possible, and sometimes even soy for a rich, thick flavor. They represent slowing down - something I don't do often.

2. Stars: In any form. In the sky, star jewelry, star tattoos (I have some). It started with stars in the sky at a VERY young age. They bring me peace. I'm not sure HOW it started, but I just LOVE bright stars in a dark night's sky.

3. Cooking: In all capacities: cooking for myself, cooking for others, cooking for entertainment...I have a whole photo album dedicated to my cooking on facebook. I REALLY enjoy making flavorful things WW-friendly.

4. Making lists. Crossing things off.


5. Dance classes. Taking, teaching. Performing.

^ Not me. If only.

6. Wrapping Christmas presents. I <3 Christmas.

7. Spooning. Makes me feel very safe. And warm. And loved.

8. Microbrews. Especially Blue Point Blueberry.

9. Getting flowers....It's been so long.  

10- Day You Challenge

10 Day YOU Challenge: Day 1

Ten Memories:

• 
1. The day I bought Rowdy home from the airport, over 3 years ago...
2. The moment went, driving down to NC to move I had a mini-panic attack and my eyes welled up with tears because it hit me that I was moving INTO the unknown.
3. HS band and all of the fabulous things that came with it
4. Falling over into a bush after a party in college on this night (I'm on far right)
5. My baby brother being born in 1986
6. When my cat had kittens in 4th grade
7. My student teaching experience...I can still see those kids' faces in my head. They're in 10th grade now.
8. My 25th Birthday...surrounded by my best friends, lots of booze, and getting penis cake smudged on my face (I was a pleasant 172ish then)
9. Completing a Marathon in 2008
10. Getting my bid to my sorority and pledging my love to my sisters

It happened....

I was on the stationary bike at the gym yesterday, when it HAPPENED.

I don't really know what "it" is, per se.

But as I pedaled along to The Used blaring in my ears, it dawned on me.

I have less than 30 lbs to a healthy BMI (25.2, to be exact). I need to be and CAN be much closer to goal by the year's end.

When the year started, I planned to be at goal by December 31, 2011. Then life happened and I gained some weight back. I don't think it's realistic to lose 25.2 lbs by then.

But 18 lbs is pretty realistic.

18 is the number of WI's I have until December 31, 2011.

185.2 - 18 = 167.2

^I can DO that. And *if* I don't, it's OK.

I'm GOING to get there...

Plans:
GHGs daily
Gym for 1 hour 3x/week
Plan to plan....to plan

More on this later.

I'm going to lose 18 more lbs in 2011.

I'll be blogging more on this after retail job.

Sooo, we've been talking for a long time....but....

....what is it you look for in a blog?

I need to improve upon my current blog, devote more time to it, and make it more than then than it is.

I appreciate the feedback!!!

KJ

Saturday WI..and back to blogging...and P+

So, today, somehow, I managed to be down .2, though I know I really didn't deserve it at all. The emotional eating has been out of control. Here I am, working on becoming financially fit through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book, and it's raising so many of my stressors bc of the impending negative income I'm about to have. September = income + bills = -bank account

I mean, as you've seen through other postings, there's so much more *to* what I've been going through (since April) but it's really hitting me hard now that I am counting the days until I'm out of healthcare.....I'm panicking, on all accounts, and DBF is running into some financial downfall also. 6 months in, and we're both financially effed. Unless I get a (very unlikely) call from another school to transfer to in the next 3 weeks.....

Anyway, I decided that this week, I need to get my sh!t together, and I'm going to try something that my leader recommends (after talking to her for about 30 mins and crying out of fear and self-loathing). She has told us in meetings before to use your 49 ONLY on indulgences, and to use your DP's to eat "satisfying food" aka your GHGs.

So, I'm trying that. I already used 8 P+ since WI this morning, but I already earned 4AP...I was going to try to run, but my legs feel like rubber from a pole dance class this morning.

I need to get my menus up...and walk the dog. I need to kick my own ass this week. Wish me luck.

Accountability thread....

I posted to an accountability thread on Friday that I would blog my menus Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

However, I did not realize that I have to RE-TYPE everything that I put into my e-tools, and that I couldn't just use a screenshot.

:::crankypants:::

I went 16P+ further into the red last night...oh welly. I'll try to post later. WI post coming in 3...2...

Fat. Fat. Fatty fat fat.

Last week, I weighed in at 185.8.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow, I will weigh in at 187 or higher.

And it feels terrible. Horrible. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to even LOOK at my face in the mirror, because once I am over 181, I can SEE myself getting fatter in my face. I cancelled my scheduled Zumba class today because I can't handle the stress I will feel looking at myself in a mirror for an hour.

I'm having intense feelings of depression. Every day, I start off great. Every lunch, I'm still OP.

But somewhere betweenn 3PM, and bed, it all goes downhill.
I have way too much time to think about how I was blatantly WRONGED by my bosses when they told me I wasn't invited back in April.

I have too much time to think about how there are no openings in the Public schools.

I have too much time to think about WHY I didn't get an interview with the school I screened with, when my in-progress graduate degree is EXACTLY what the position entailed.

I have too much time to think about how I could potentially be making only $300/month in the fall, with medical expenses double or triple that, and no health benefits.

I have too much time to think about how right now, I have no idea if I can actually finish my grad degree bc I have no way to fund it.

There's all of this, and there's SO much more. So then, I eat. Usually, it's not an out-and-out binge, but little BLTs throughout the day. Or a 2x portion size @ dinner. Or bread I didn't plan for bc my dad and bro can't eat anything without fresh italian bread.

I cry all day, almost every other day. I don't know HOW to get out of this misery. I can't stand people telling me to "stay positive" because "it will get better"....because honestly, I have been out of college for 6 years, and hearing this for 6 years.

When do I get my break? When can I STOP this cycle of eating and crying, crying and eating?

I'm so so so lost.

I need to get weight off before I go back to teaching dance in September, otherwise I'm going to have my old "mirror" breakdowns like once a month...**sigh**

Tap Dancing....

...I just tapped for about an hour, doing choreography, warm-ups, and wearing my HRM...

It burned about 550! Why wasn't I thinner in HS??  Oh, right. Doritos and a lifetime of emotional eating.

Sweaty dancer face:

(Pardon cleavage. That's a VS bra-top shirt, and TOM at work...I swear I'm only a B cup!)

Hope I get this job at the dance studio Tuesday. I'll be tapping and doing jazz ALL weekend to brush up...it's been over a year since I taught dance! I feel so lost! 

Hey you guys!!!

Remember that time I used to write funny things?

Nope, you certainly don't, because that was LONG before I was blogging about weight loss.

I've been less than entertaining lately. In fact, I've been downright...well....down.

But, after my Friday evening was spent  reviewing QUITE humorous blogs, I decided I need to use this free time (read: unemployment-ish-status) to focus on making my blog and weight loss journey slightly more humorous.

I'm not sure HOW I am going to do that yet, but it's coming.

Either way, back down to 183.4 this week....need to bounce down to 170's ASAP. 90 Days till college BFF's wedding....

184.6

I'm done gaining. My knee hurts. My back was out. My body can't handle more weight.

So, I think I'm going to play a new mental game with myself:
10% of 184.6 is 18.4....
5% of that is 9.2....

So my next goal is 175.4

98 days to Meredith's wedding. I've got to get it together.

OP2 Overcome day 1 is in the bag...Here goes nothing...

I start working out again tomorrow after work...

:::waves white flag:::

I've cried about 1/3 of the day today.

This summer is really sucking, and if I did NOT have the world's awesome-est BF, my life would be in shambles.

I wish I could live on my own....

I feel terrible.

I tried for SO long to keep my blog posts positive, but since work ended, I feel absolutely terrible.

I gained 4.2 lbs over the past 2 WI's, and am pretty sure I'll be gaining this week, too.

I've had bad luck with my health, so I haven't worked out (shin splints, ear infection/dizziness, and now my back is out).

I have no structure in my schedule.

I had a pre-interview screening on Tuesday for a DREAM JOB. I thought it was an interview when I went. I haven't heard back.....and I thought it went really well, so I'm crushed again.

I don't have the money to really DO anything during the day....so I'm stuck in the house. And I can't work out. And I feel terrible about myself. So I've been eating.

I want this job so bad, but I feel like the window of opportunity has passed. I cried this morning. Between my back pain and the job, and dreaming all last night of getting "terminated" again and again is way too much for me to handle.

The days feel SO long when you're isolated with next to nothing to do.

I just want to stop feeling fat and terrible. I want to fix my back, and my ears, and my thyroid so I can RUN.

I also want to curl up into a ball in the fetal position and lay there for 17,000 hours.

Mid-week Peek: Up 3, and new hope....

So a week of recovery is turning out to be a week of body abuse. It's SO tough to have an unstructured schedule, coming from a highly structured schedule (for me, anyways). With it being TOM, I seriously snacked ALL week.

I had shin splints, so I didn't/couldn't work out - I'm wearing sneakers today, and am planning on Zumba & a walk tomorrow.

Basically, I don't think there is ANY way that I will be down on Saturday, but right now, I am just trying to NOT have gained anymore. My brother and I are FINALLY taking my father out to dinner for Father's Day tonight...so I need to be REALLY careful with my food choices. (Note to self: pass on bread. Bread is JUST bread. It's not going out of style and it will ALWAYS be around).

New hope: I got a call today from an Assistant Principal who saw my name and qualifications on the transfer list in my Diocese! I have an interview on Tuesday for a 3rd Grade Math & Science position. I'm SO excited, and it feels good to feel wanted.

I'm going to be spending a few hours each day preparing for this interview - this job is RIGHT up my alley!!! Wish me luck. I need this!

Recovery....

Last week, I missed my WI bc I had to work my retail job. But I did my WI at home, and I was up TWO lbs. I thought, for sure, that I would be up more weight this week, after not being able to run, and being a PMS/Carb monster all week. NO CONTROL.

Thankfully, I was down a pound. Now, I need to recover from a terrible week of NOT EVEN TRACKING for 4 days. I NEVER do that.

Next week, I need to SLAM it into the 170s. Like, 2 lb loss or something. 170s are such a mental hurdle for me.

OP 2 Overcome, Day 1 again...At least today is off to a good start.

My school year is over, and this presents new challenges:
1. No longer being on a "regimented" schedule.
2. Spending more time at home to job search/avoid spending money.
3. No reason to NOT have a glass of wine on a random weekday.
4. Night class: Tu/Th 5 - 10:45....
5. More free time to spend with DBF <--- awesome, but we tend to eat a lot of meals out together....he usually lets me pick the place though.

This week's challenges - late Father's Day dinner at this restaurant. (You may recognize it from Man vs. Food). I haven't planned for what I am going to get just yet, but hopefully I can get some runs in and use up my AP's for something delicious...They have buffalo mac & cheese!!

Yet another challenge: Little Brother is turning 25 on July 2. Divorced families = 2 celebrations. For my dad's side of the family, I will be making THIS cake: http://www.alwaysorderdessert.com/2009/11/italian-rainbow-cookie-cake.html

TERRIFIED to put it into the Recipe Builder....but I will have to do that when it gets a little bit closer.

Cycle 4: OP 2 Overcome

My 4th cycle began yesterday. I finished one a few days ago, but I like to begin on my WI day. I didn't END on a WI day, bc I had some OFF program days in between.

For accountability's sake, these are my goals for this cycle:

1. Stay OUT of the red, forgive myself *if* I don't.
2. Eat only HALF of AP's earned, until Wednesday.
3. Check in with mid-week peek and decide if I should eat ALL AP's based on what the scale says.

^ Repeat for 21 days. (well, 20, I was OP yesterday)

TGIM...

THANK GOD I MAINTAINED.

I call this a HUGE SV. HUGE. I ate myself 36 P+ into the red. And it was STUPID stuff....and that certainly makes me mad at myself.

I bought a bag of Nestle's Semi-Sweet Morsels to bake into these Ricotta Cheese Chocolate Chip Muffins from Skinnytaste. I don't even LIKE plain chocolate unless it's in something....

...but I ate it. More than a few times.

Oh, and I had THESE in the house (stupid, stupid, stupid):

((((Cookies & Creme)))) If you haven't tried them, DON'T! They're delicious. Take my word for it and save yourself some P+. (NI for a serving, 7 P+. Half a serving, 3P+)

Oh, and I had some of these (2 per sitting, on 3 different occasions):

(NI for 2? Works out to 5P+)

AND for my Dad (who prefers regular ice cream) I bought these:

(NI for 1 = 7P+. Ate one on Thursday)

Um, BEDLAM. I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I was grocery shopping. Oh, right. I had just spent the day outside with my students @ Field Day. I was sweaty and hot. Klondikes were on sale 2/$7. I usually don't even WALK down that aisle, but I needed sandwich thins.

The drops were just a splurge.

I only managed 1 run this week, due to the fatigue of 3rd floor classroom + extreme heat. So, I'll take it. I almost wanted to HUG my weigher.

In other news, I got a really cute dress to wear for my students' graduation from Dress Barn. I went down a dress size! 14!!! (Since January)

A-line. LOVED it on. It will probably also make appearances at a Bridal Shower and an Engagement Party this summer (Both are in July, different states/crowds of people).

Time for some white shoes. I hate shopping...I only hate it LESS when I'm thinner. I'm like, the anti-girl.

Food Survey - Stolen from Jamie at http://foodfeminismlife.tumblr.com/

A: is for Apple, what’s your favorite variety?Red Delicious. So crunchy. Noms

B: is for Bread, regardless of nutrition, calories, or whole grains what is your favorite type to have a nice big piece of?Fresh baked Italian bread.....Sinful. 

C: is for Cereal what is your favorite kind currently (just one!) CurrentlyHoney Nut Cheerios. But I really am not a cereal fan.

D: is for Doughnuts, you might not currently be eating them but what kind do you fancy?I don't eat donuts. They make my tummy hurt.

E: is for Eggs, how would you like yours prepared?I prefer the whites, with a slice of American Cheese over top, and a bagel hugging it, ever so gently.

F: is for Fat Free, what is your favorite fat free product?Cheese. Gross.

G: is for Groceries, where do you purchase yours at?Mostly Stop & Shop. I also use Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, about once every other month.

H: is for Hot Beverages, what is your favorite hot drink?(((Grande Skinny Caramel Macchiato)))

I: is for Ice Cream, pick a favorite flavor and add a fun topping.Soft-serve vanilla w rainbow sprinkles.

J: is for Jams or Jellies, do you eat them, and if so what kind and flavor?Strawberry Jelly!

K: is for Kashi, name your favorite Kashi product?Eh, not really a fan. The more I try, the more I tell myself to stop trying.

L: is for Lunch, what was yours today?A hot dog on a roll, and an apple. This was lunch at field day...normally, I would make MUCH more for the same amount of P+!

M: is for microwave, what is your favorite microwave meal/snack?

Microwave Potato Nachos....recipe in my blog somewhere. Otherwise, I really don't use the microwave.

N: is for nutrients, do you likes carbs, fats, or proteins best?Carbs. They're like my food porn.

O: is for oil, what kind do you like to use?Olive or Canola. 

P: is for protein, how do you get yours?

Eggs, chicken, turkey, some lean beef, fish and shellfish. I'm a well-rounded eater.

Q: is for Quaker, how do you like your oats?

Overnight, in yogurt.

R: is for roasting, what is your favorite thing to roast?Red potatoes. 

S: is for sandwich, what’s your favorite kind?Grilled Eggplant Panini from my local pizza place...

T: is for travel, how do you handle eating while traveling?Haven't traveled since being recommitted. We shall see.

U: is for unique, what is one of your weirdest food combos?I don't think I do anything really strange....

V: is for vitamins, what kind do you take?
Target Brand Gummies

W: is for wasabi, yay or nay?YES. I <3 Wasabi peas...but they are not too P+ friendly, and are VERY sodium-y.

X: XRAY. if we xrayed your belly right now, what food would we see?Klondike Slim-A-Bear. 

Y: is for youth, what food reminds you of your childhood?Hot dogs. 

Z: is for zucchini, how do you prepare it?

ANY way! I <3 zucchini!

Back under 180!!!

I WI'ed this morning. Miracle of miracles, I am down THREE pounds.

Maybe I wasn't AS "in the red" as I thought.

Maybe I was better at combating all of the sodium I took in than I thought.

Maybe my activity level did the trick.

Maybe the fact that I had some bathroom issues all week is responsible.

OR it could be that last week was TOM, and I had a big loss with much bloating.

Either way, I am STOKED to be under 180 again. However, I am back to 29P+ a day. I need to really work the program this week, make sure I am good to myself, and hopefully continue losing next week.

I'm starting INSANITY and keeping my running as of tomorrow. I will be taking a midweek peek, bc I am not sure how many APs I am going to be able to eat.

Wish me luck!

June Goals (Double-posting)

Just some quick goals to work on for the end of the month:


1 - Log 12 runs.
2 - Get back under 180
3 - Start new cycle of OP 2 Overcome when current one ends
4 - Begin to incorporate cross-training

I did NOT take a midweek peek....

....And here's why....

1. HOLYCRAP on the sodium this week. Been craving it. Sweaty and hot at work (3rd floor of an OLD-ASS school building), and TOM is in town.
2. Not enough exercise in the early part of the week. (I ran Saturday, but didn't do that again till WED)
3. Sunburn. I also used this as an excuse to not exercise, but it HURT to put a sports bra on.
4. Digestive issues all week. ::ahem::

And you know what? I'm in the red AGAIN. I suppose a LOT of the people who WI on Saturdays are, with Memorial Day. I did good at the first Memorial Day BBQ, used most of my WPA on beer. The 2nd BBQ? I munched on chips, mindlessly - but at least I was not drinking. That was when the digestive issues/sodium craving started.

However, I'm still calling myself OP, for OP to Overcome. 17 days of tracking every single bite, lick, and taste that went into my mouth. I'm hitting my GHGs pretty much every day, and feeling a lot better about myself.

I need to evaluate my May goals and set some new June goals for myself...I'll be posting again, most likely tomorrow - I'm off for a 4-day weekend. (Thanks, obscure Catholic Holy Days!)

Down .4!

Maybe I wasn't as much "In the red" as I had thought. I tend to ADD points when I go into the red to try to deter myself from going further into the red.

Either way, as of today, I have 22 lbs to goal, 2 lbs to return to my 10%,  5 lbs to my low weight from February, 7 lbs to 55 lost, and 12 lbs to a minigoal with my leader. (She gives us cool rewards if we set a goal with her. I'm SO token motivated - forever the teacher). Got my 5K token today. I love the bling on my 10% keyring.

(Please pardon the rogue boob. PMSing + push-up bra = tiny B's become spilly C's. Pretty sure I won't be wearing this with a pushup!)

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Target? Cause I'm OBSESSED. I bought this dress there the other day, it's a T-shirt kind of material, and bc of that, it's generously sized. (A medium! I am NOT a medium with a 38B chest and a 38-something in waist!) I bought it without trying on, and figured, wth, I would return it if it didn't fit. I figured it can double as a work dress with a cami, as it is almost knee length.

Wow! :)

I'm up to 50 followers on my blog. It like it. I feel like, HEY, I must be writing SOMETHING worthwhile, because 50 people want to know what I have to say on a regular basis. (Whether or not they read regularly, it still makes me feel pretty good).

I WI tomorrow. I was NOT really OP last night after dinner, or tonight after work....so I have 13 days OP in a row, 1 day NOT OP, and then back to being OP tomorrow. I have a feeling I'm going to gain tomorrow. My goal with OP2Overcome this time around was to be consistent with counting.

I know I am 25P+ in the red with minimal exercise this week.

I was thinking tonight...I'm about 25 lbs from my goal weight.  I would like to hit goal by 2012. I have about 6 months to lose 25 lbs.

Realistic, yes. If I am REALLY diligent and good to myself. Diligent is NOT something I have been.

Oh, hello empty running log:

I need to commit to running 3x a week. I LOVE my body when I'm committed to running. My next 5K is only 31 days away! I actually entered in the "Clydesdale" category - women 160lbs+....so hopefully, I can get close to placing for my age group in that category.

Oh, and hello Rowdy pups:

Mid-week peek....

Up .2 on a Wednesday afternoon. (Normal WI Saturday AM)

Not bad for being less than 7 days away from TOM. I'm -6 in the red right now, but I will be making that up with exercise, easily.

Cutting out LOTS of sodium for tomorrow (last day before WI) and hoping for the best. It's hot and muggy out. Fingers VERY swollen.

Oh, and LOTS and LOTS of water.

Busy week at work = crappy workout motivation. But I WILL go running tomorrow. Gonna put myself back on C25K to build some speed/get regular outdoor running workouts.

The biggest challenge of this week is going to be NOT eating a majority of my WPA on Saturday....I have a BBQ @ DBFs on Sunday...

...and I plan on getting festively drunk. Need to squirrel away WPA for that - and then use AP to sustain my week.

Check in again after WI Saturday! :)

Thank you, dear sweet baby Jesus.

I was TOTALLY expecting a gain today, in light of being 45P+ in the red, and stress eating all week. No exercise. Antibiotic. Being sedentary.

I was DOWN 1.2! I almost fell off the scale.

It felt SO good to finally see a formidable loss again! That's it, I'm recommitted, fresh start, I am DONE with throwing my food down the crapper.

My work life SUCKS, so I need to make my personal life ROCK. Taking care of me, through healthful eating and activity, is my new hobby. It was my hobby until February. Sometimes, we get rocked. I think some of the weight I gained back was "happy weight" from settling into a relationship, too.

No more negativity. Need to embrace new food choices. Need to stay on TOP of errands.

I'm running a 5K tomorrow. I haven't trained for it, but it's just 3.1 miles, nothing to my 6.21 a few weeks ago. I'm going to run a short mile in today's BEAUTIFUL weather with the dog, and then just CHILL till it's time to see my man. There MAY be a mani/pedi in there, for the sole purpose of rewarding myself after a GOOD loss.

Not playing around anymore. THIS is hanging up on my closet.....

Not one, but TWO bikinis. I am about 7 lbs away from "hot" bikini weight. (I'm also psyched that I get to rotate in yet ANOTHER race number tomorrow, and rotate out my "ticket" frame to another wall in my room. I'm so OCD)

Starting Insanity this week - and going to try to move my (VERY SHORT) runs to mornings.

Starting measurements:

(in sports bra & capri pants)

Bust: 42"

Waist: 38"

Hips: 42"

R arm: 11"

L arm: 11"

R calf: 15"

L calf: 15"

Weight: 182.4

Here we go!!!

Saturday/Sat - Thurs in review

+.6 on Saturday. An fml. Did SFT for the week, and probably would have lost, but TOM came for the 2nd time this month. (Started BC for my PCOS, and I am all SORTS of messed up).

Then, I was going to do a second week of SFT. Then, brother & I took mom to lunch @ Legal Seafoods for Mother's Day. After the end of the day, I looked at my day on SFT vs P+, and I had NO WPA left on SFT, but did pretty well with P+. I stayed on P+ for the week.

I have a sinus infection. I haven't been able to run or workout all week long. I feel like crap.

Yesterday, I went into the red 30P+. It made me feel like crap. It was after my midweek peek, which said I was up 3 LBS.

There's NO WAY.

I'm still feeling defeated - and I felt SO good when I was being OP. At least I have tracked everything. The emotional stress of my job is causing me to stress eat. It's making me feel worthless. The lack of working out doesn't help. SIGH.

I've been crying for the past two hours...if you're in for a long read, here it is (from WW boards):

As some of you may know, I'm a teacher at a private school whose contract was not renewed for Fall. (read here at http://tinyurl.com/4x97576 for details).

Short version: It was unfounded, a shock to me, and I got my letter one month earlier than other teachers (none of whom were let go, our staff is 15 people). I was NOT excessed. It was personal (for what, I don't know).

Since April 15, every day going to work has been a battle. My bosses are mental terrorists who are very verbally abusive. I have about 5 parents of my 25 students who are "out to get me" bc the principals never told the parents they weren't getting last year's teacher, Ms. C. With 17 school days till graduation, they are spreading rumors and not listening to answers I give them about graduation. They are choosing a break in communication, and constantly going over my head.

I was going to work every day for my 25 children.

These last two weeks, my 25 children have chosen to be rude, disrespectful, and talk over me. I refuse to yell anymore, and sending kids to the principal is not an option. My assistant is also at a loss. There are no more consequences for negative behavior (thanks to my principals) and with my REALLY rough group, the two positive behavior support systems I have aren't enough.

My anxiety going to work every day is astounding. I come home exhausted, frustrated, and upset. I left the building crying today. I feel so worthless.

I have a ton of extracurricular events coming up in the next few weeks - adding insult to injury.

I just feel like, if the kids aren't in it anymore, how can I get motivated to get out of bed for work in the morning?


I should add, after the kids finish, I have another 6 days of work, wherein I will be expected to cover classes for my colleagues.

I'm going to miss my children at the end of things, and my students in the musical that I choreographed for them (for free).

I need medical benefits, and I am just so scared and so stressed every day. It's making my WLJ SO SO hard.

Holycrap.

I've been sick so I haven't posted. Hopefully tonight after dinner.

I just made a huge mistake:

I saw Pioneer Woman's blog for the first time.

:::foodgasm:::

Went all of the way to the beach yesterday...

(ok, so it's only about 10 miles away...)

And realized they charge for parking on the weekend. $8. I had no cash. WASTE of gas money.

I guess it's good though, bc I still have hip pain, and today I am choosing NOT to run through it.

I'm kind of annoyed - it's been a week since I ran.

2nd chiropractic appointment this week to "fix" me, then I'll run again.....

::AP FAIL::

One of the 8 million reasons I love my leader...

I posted about finishing my first 10K last week. Marianne gave me THIS today at my meeting:

Cool. :) I'm very motivated by tokens. They're already on my 10% keychain. 

I was down .1, which is nominal, but considering I was a PMS Monster ALL week, and had about 5 beers last night, as well as guac and tortilla chips. Not to say it was a "Last Supper" by any means, but today is OFFICIALLY Day 1 of SFT, and OFFICIALLY Day 1 of a new cycle of OP 2 Overcome.

Today is also my first day of running again, since the 10K. I'm planning on driving to the beach to run the boardwalk, bc it is GORGEOUS out today. I've never done this before, so why not start now? I just hope the weather holds out. I plan to go around 1 (to give me enough time to digest) - and it's supposed to rain later.

We shall see.

Switching to SFT....

And this was my dinner tonight...The only thing that was NOT a power-food was my Lite Sour Cream...but it was measured and counted.

I'm still expecting a gain on Saturday, but going full-fledged SFT after that. Tomorrow is an SFT day, as well.

I'm going to learn to find "hungry" and "satisfied."

Recipe will follow another day, but...It was Pan-Seared Chipotle-Lime Chicken with Rice, Stewed Tomatoes & Beans.

A happy accident. :) I love that I can throw things together in a pinch!

You need to snap out of this terrible funk.

You feel defeated.

You feel fat.

You feel ugly.

Your sense of self-worth is plummeting, as you have lost your job for the fall, once again.

Your small staff is gossiping about you, because they all know you lost your job for the fall.

Your world is shaken, your trust has been betrayed.

You hate getting up for work every day, because going to work creates anxiety.

You can't control your emotional eating.

Your DBF is working crazy long hours, and you haven't seen him since Saturday.

Your BFFs all seem "busy."

You're PMSing.

When it rains, it pours - but how do you ESCAPE and start to feel good again?

And HOW can you justify GAINING on the scale again...?

Sorry all, I feel very low tonight...

OK, ok....

I weighed in on Saturday but didn't blog about it. Fact is, even though I expected the gain that I got, I was REALLY cranky about it. I was up about 2.9, bringing me back to 30 P+.

183.1. That's 3.1 pounds OVER my 10%.

So this week, I am TRYING more. Of course, it didn't help that I had a family party almost immediately after WI.

I went in, in pretty good shape. I noshed on veggies and fruit.

And then came the cheese....OOOOH the cheese. But on the upside, at least I didn't overindulge in alcohol. I had one light beer and one glass of white wine.

Sunday, I ran my first 10K. I went into it, hoping simply to finish in less than 1 hr 30 mins, as I was NOT well-trained. I ended up finishing in 1:25 after a horrible run-in with a porta potty that didn't have a LOCK (FAIL! You try to pull up your sweaty granny panties and skin-tight running capris with one hand!)....so I could have been a little quicker.

It felt great, and I burned 1393 calories.

Unfortunately, I ate all of those APs.

I'm a little in the red today. I'm going to do a light walk on the treadmill tonight - I'm not ready to run yet, due to sore calves.

Tomorrow, Zumba...Running Thursday and Friday, hopefully.

I need to make a commitment to myself NOT to eat my AP's...it looks to me like that's what's killing my WLJ right now, and putting me over the edge.

:::hoping for a loss Sat, despite incoming TOM:::

I will not be taking a mid-week peek this week.

Midweek peek....UP .9

I'm going to the doctor today. I'm starting to think there's something wrong with my thyroid again.

Yes, I am a little bit in the red, due to Easter, but I've been very active, and if I gain anymore than I have already, I "lose" my 10%. This is TERRIBLY upsetting to me. I KILLED myself to get there, got below it, and slowly started climbing up again...

I'm SO upset. I wasn't even going to peek, really but I wanted to prepare myself for what the scale is going to say at the doctor's office. I have lunch plans before then, and the doctor's scales always SUCK, so I assume it'll show me at about 190 with my jeans on. Terrible.

I took Zumba yesterday. Ran there, and ran back - watching myself in the mirror was terrible. I feel soft, doughy, and fat - where when I was at 177 in February, I was feeling tight & toned, and running a lot. Since then, my running has gone by the wayside a bit, and I just feel FAT and disgusting. It doesn't help any that I've been yo-yoing up and down, despite my best efforts. I mean, YES, some weeks, I deserve the gain, but others, I just don't. My actual thryroid feels swollen to me again. I'm physically exhuasted all of the time, and nap almost daily.

I'm really hoping there's something medical at play here, bc if there's not, I will really just feel like a complete failure.

I just HATE this sinking feeling. I want my confidence back....it sucks that it seems to be tied heavily to my maintaining/losing on the scale each week....but that makes me feel capable.

I'm just so exhausted. :(

UP 2.0 on 4/23.

Seriously? Can I stop the friggin yo-yoing already? These are my WI's since hitting 177 in February:

2/19: 177.8
3/5: 180.0
3/12: 179.4
3/19: 178.6
3/26: 180.2
4/2: 178.6
4/9: 179.6
4/16: 178.2
4/23: 180.2

This averages out to :::drumroll::: GAINING .25 lb per week.

I feel utterly defeated. My job has been SO stressful lately, and it's been really hard to come home and cook every day. It's hard for me to live on 29 P+ right now. It's hard for me to think that I still have 20.2 lbs to lose, and my DPT is NOT going to go down again.

Upon reflecting - What are my factors?

1. Going into the red a bit, about every other week.
2. Being less motivated to run, and therefore, running less.
3. Complete exhaustion.
4. Sodium, and lots of it.
5. Carby meals more often than I used to.

What am I doing about it?
1. Doing my BEST not to go into the red this week. However, I am out of P+ already due to unexpected drinking Sat night, and definitely went over on Easter. Basically, I am going to focus on my 29 P+ each day.
2. Making sure I run more this week. I am downgrading my Half Marathon (5/1) to either 5K or 10K, bc I am not well-trained enough. Half Marathon FAIL. (Also makes me feel like crap!)
3. Going to the doctor. I have a hypoactive thyroid I am medicated for. However, it's possible that my meds aren't working right anymore, so I will be having a blood workup at the end of the week. I am also anemic and need to find out about taking iron.
4. Need less processed dinners.
5. More veggies. Need to go shopping.

I am still off of work this week, the Catholic School vacation is different than public. I am going to use the time to take care of myself the best I can, and be more active. I plan to run today, Wed, and Thurs, and then do my race either Saturday or Sunday morning, depending on which I choose.

I am taking Zumba tomorrow morning for the first time in months.

I'm headed to the gym in about 1 hour. Before then, I will be walking the dog, and getting hydrated.

Please, please, please let this be a good, in-control week. I'm so tired of spiraling, and I want to hit 175 SO bad.....that's a milestone for me! And it seems like such a small number!

A little meme, stolen from another blogger...

So, I've let you into my life via my WLJ. Most of you don't know me IRL...so here's some A-Z about me!!!

A to Z about me :)

A. Age: 28

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore you hate: Cleaning the bathroom. Laundry. Mopping. I prefer to organize things, rather than clean.

D. Dogs: Rowdy! A 3 year old puggle :) He's my love.

E. Essential start to your day: Coffee, 2 cups, in a very large mug.

F. Favorite color: Blue, turquoise (like a tiffany blue), green, & silver.

G. Gold or silver: Silver.

H. Height: 5’7"

I. Instruments you play: I played most wind instruments throughout HS. Now I dabble with guitar.

J. Job title: Teacher

K. Kids: 25, none of them belong to me.

L. Live: on Long Island, with Dad & brother, after about 6+ years on my own. 

M. Mom’s name: Cindy

N. Nicknames: Kel, KJ, Kaj

O. Overnight hospital stays: 0

P. Pet peeve: I'm quirky. Most of my pet peeves are grammar/speech related.

Q. Quote from a movie: "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken." <--- guess the movie, get a free 0 P+ cupcake ;-)

R. Right or left handed: Righty.

S. Siblings: 1 younger brother

T. Time you wake up: btwn 6:45 - 6:55 on weekdays.

U. Underwear: Victoria's Secret - but I'm biased bc I work there every now and again.

V. Vegetables you dislike: olives. Is that a veggie?

W. What makes you run late: Bad traffic. I'm always on time, if not early.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back and hands. One knee xray.

Y. Yummy food you make: My personal fav to cook (since I was like 12) is homemade manicotti. Thanks to Gina @ Skinnytaste, at least now I make it skinny.

Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Elephant, I think.