:::waves white flag:::

I've cried about 1/3 of the day today.

This summer is really sucking, and if I did NOT have the world's awesome-est BF, my life would be in shambles.

I wish I could live on my own....

I feel terrible.

I tried for SO long to keep my blog posts positive, but since work ended, I feel absolutely terrible.

I gained 4.2 lbs over the past 2 WI's, and am pretty sure I'll be gaining this week, too.

I've had bad luck with my health, so I haven't worked out (shin splints, ear infection/dizziness, and now my back is out).

I have no structure in my schedule.

I had a pre-interview screening on Tuesday for a DREAM JOB. I thought it was an interview when I went. I haven't heard back.....and I thought it went really well, so I'm crushed again.

I don't have the money to really DO anything during the day....so I'm stuck in the house. And I can't work out. And I feel terrible about myself. So I've been eating.

I want this job so bad, but I feel like the window of opportunity has passed. I cried this morning. Between my back pain and the job, and dreaming all last night of getting "terminated" again and again is way too much for me to handle.

The days feel SO long when you're isolated with next to nothing to do.

I just want to stop feeling fat and terrible. I want to fix my back, and my ears, and my thyroid so I can RUN.

I also want to curl up into a ball in the fetal position and lay there for 17,000 hours.

Mid-week Peek: Up 3, and new hope....

So a week of recovery is turning out to be a week of body abuse. It's SO tough to have an unstructured schedule, coming from a highly structured schedule (for me, anyways). With it being TOM, I seriously snacked ALL week.

I had shin splints, so I didn't/couldn't work out - I'm wearing sneakers today, and am planning on Zumba & a walk tomorrow.

Basically, I don't think there is ANY way that I will be down on Saturday, but right now, I am just trying to NOT have gained anymore. My brother and I are FINALLY taking my father out to dinner for Father's Day tonight...so I need to be REALLY careful with my food choices. (Note to self: pass on bread. Bread is JUST bread. It's not going out of style and it will ALWAYS be around).

New hope: I got a call today from an Assistant Principal who saw my name and qualifications on the transfer list in my Diocese! I have an interview on Tuesday for a 3rd Grade Math & Science position. I'm SO excited, and it feels good to feel wanted.

I'm going to be spending a few hours each day preparing for this interview - this job is RIGHT up my alley!!! Wish me luck. I need this!

Recovery....

Last week, I missed my WI bc I had to work my retail job. But I did my WI at home, and I was up TWO lbs. I thought, for sure, that I would be up more weight this week, after not being able to run, and being a PMS/Carb monster all week. NO CONTROL.

Thankfully, I was down a pound. Now, I need to recover from a terrible week of NOT EVEN TRACKING for 4 days. I NEVER do that.

Next week, I need to SLAM it into the 170s. Like, 2 lb loss or something. 170s are such a mental hurdle for me.

OP 2 Overcome, Day 1 again...At least today is off to a good start.

My school year is over, and this presents new challenges:
1. No longer being on a "regimented" schedule.
2. Spending more time at home to job search/avoid spending money.
3. No reason to NOT have a glass of wine on a random weekday.
4. Night class: Tu/Th 5 - 10:45....
5. More free time to spend with DBF <--- awesome, but we tend to eat a lot of meals out together....he usually lets me pick the place though.

This week's challenges - late Father's Day dinner at this restaurant. (You may recognize it from Man vs. Food). I haven't planned for what I am going to get just yet, but hopefully I can get some runs in and use up my AP's for something delicious...They have buffalo mac & cheese!!

Yet another challenge: Little Brother is turning 25 on July 2. Divorced families = 2 celebrations. For my dad's side of the family, I will be making THIS cake: http://www.alwaysorderdessert.com/2009/11/italian-rainbow-cookie-cake.html

TERRIFIED to put it into the Recipe Builder....but I will have to do that when it gets a little bit closer.

Cycle 4: OP 2 Overcome

My 4th cycle began yesterday. I finished one a few days ago, but I like to begin on my WI day. I didn't END on a WI day, bc I had some OFF program days in between.

For accountability's sake, these are my goals for this cycle:

1. Stay OUT of the red, forgive myself *if* I don't.
2. Eat only HALF of AP's earned, until Wednesday.
3. Check in with mid-week peek and decide if I should eat ALL AP's based on what the scale says.

^ Repeat for 21 days. (well, 20, I was OP yesterday)