Down 1.4, and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day....

I WI this morning, and was (pleasantly surprisingly so) down 1.4. Last week, I gained 1.0, so this is good, forward momentum. I'm hoping this is the end of my nonsense yo-yo/plateauing. However, I think this loss has a LOT to do with the fact that I really didn't eat much yesterday....I finished the day with 9 points (of my 29) left.

Then...allow me to copy and paste from my WW Board Posts (as I have told this story a MILLION times since yesterday):

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I'm a teacher, and my (nun) Principals pulled me into their office yesterday.. They told me that when letters of intent for next year come out, they would not be giving me one. They cited bogus, made-up reasons. I think it's bc I went to personnel on them at the Diocese. They are emotionally and verbally abusive to myself and my colleagues. It's just so unfair. I cried all day yesterday, even in front of my students. I now have to come to work for 2 months, put on a happy face, and hope they don't force me out by treating me poorly before that time. I have already called personnel AGAIN - I don't see how you could do this to someone who you gave EXCELLENT reviews on observations. They cited, amongst other things, that "In April, you shouldn't be sending kids to the principal." This is AFTER they tore down my behavior management chart a few weeks ago, and I had a student PUNCH another student, unprovoked, in the stomach. I just don't even want to go to work Monday. It was already a tense and anxious place to work, and now I feel like I am going to be scrutinized and "beat up" for the rest of the year. So scared, angry, sad, anxious. I feel worthless.... (other boardies posted words of condolences...THEN I added) I'm just SO nervous that they're going to try to can me early. I REALLY need to be on my toes now. I have never been let go from ANYTHING in my life, so I can't help but feel like this decision is political - I'm not a game-player. I come to work, I am friendly, polite, and I don't subscribe to BS. Also, I will NOT stand around and watch these people tell my friend that she "needs to do something about her face bc she looks too young" (she's 23) and that her "voice is screetchy" and she needs to "work on that." They pushed my friend Ellen to the point of no return in February, and she resigned (2 weeks notice)...then, they pushed her out a week early. I am SO scared this is going to happen to me....

(more boardies commentary and then)


 should add, they have never ONCE complained about my academics/curriculum.

I have ONE write up, for not removing a behavior chart that they NEVER told me to tear down. (I didn't sign the write-up bc it said they DID tell me to take it down, immediately)

These are the same LOVELY people who told me one day that I was "dressed nothing like a teacher" while wearing gray slacks, a v-neck sweater with a white cami underneath, and a pair of dress shoes. (There was 6 inches of snow on the ground at the time, and EVERY one of my colleagues was dressed similarly).

I also told them, in light of the write-up, that I was unsure how to control my classroom, as my kids felt there were no consequences anymore (I teach K), and I had nothing to use as a consequence. They said "that's too negative, you can't give consequences."

Ok, so you mean to tell me, I can't give my children a consequence AND I can't send them to the principal's office???












**sigh**

Mid-Week Peek - up 3.3!....emotional ramblings

I'm so angry and disappointed at myself lately. Today WOULD have been day 5 of OP 2 Overcome...if I was OP.

Yesterday, I fell off. I am having a hard time regulating my hunger & listening to my hunger signals. There's a lot of emotional things in the way.

This is what I am thinking about:
1 - I am feeling daunted by the amount of mileage I need to cover before May 1 in order to be prepared for my Half Marathon. I am thinking I am not prepared, and am looking into switching to the 10K, as there is a 3-hour limit on the course.
2 - The people I work for are at it again, attacking us and lashing out. It makes going to work very tense and stressful. I worry at night before I go to sleep that in the morning, it will be my "turn" to be verbally abused and belittled by them.
3 - Summer is coming. I want to lose another 10 lbs by then. I'm feeling stressed/pressured.
4 - I have a lot of extracurricular events coming up at school in May. I have to start rehearsing Kindergarten graduation for June, I am stressed and nervous about this!
5 - DBF and I said "ILY" a few weeks ago. It was amazing. I am so deeply in love with this man and count myself lucky to be with him. However, the thing this brings out in me is insecurity. It's hard for me to just let go and trust that he loves me and is as grateful for me as I am for him. This is "FAT" me talking...aka how I have thought guys view me for my whole life. That I'm "less than.." that I'm "undeserving"...that I'm "not good enough." And I guess the most ridiculous thing about all of this is that  he is no tiny person, by any means. I would say he's btwn 40-50 lbs overweight...like a teddy bear....and I love it. I trust him deeply, but I've never felt this way about ANY man before (though my dating history is only about 5-6 men) and that is SCARY to me. I'm more scared of being hurt than anything else. *sigh* I guess the issue is, I love and I trust him - but I am so worried that he will "fall out of love" with me.

^ The funny thing about all of this, is that even though we have only known each other (via internet) for 6 months, and in person for 4 months, and dating for 3 months....I've recently been thinking about how lovely it would be to LIVE with him, in the future, if things continue this way.....

I'm trying not to write the story before the book, here...but I just feel like this is the start of something VERY good.

WLJ-wise, tonight, I'm going to do my run @ the gym, bc I don't feel challenged enough on my home treadmill, and then, tomorrow, I'm starting again with only my DP. Cause I'm about 50 pts in the red....

I'm pretty sure I can't save my week by Sat AM, and that I will be over 180 again, but I'm trying to move forward.

Any thoughts, motivation, or cheering from you folks would be much appreciated. I'm a lost lamb of a WW right now...

WI, Goals/Rewards, & OP 2 Overcome

I WI today, up 1, back to 179.6. I'm angry with myself. I have been stressed, and half-assing things. 


BUT, I met with my leader, to talk to her about starting to think about my GOAL weight. When we chatted, we said 160 is the high end of my range for my height, and we will probably set that as an initial goal. I may consider setting 155 as a final goal, but I think for now, 160 seems more REALISTIC.


 Marianne (my leader) rewards us with bracelets she buys out of her own pocket for personal goals. So, we started by setting a personal goal of 170, and then we will set my GOAL goal when I reach 170. 170 seems SO attainable at 179.6. I just need to double down, and take care of myself. I am important!


My goals/rewards (as of February)
175: 25 lbs! Scrubs, Season 4 + 5
170:  (Next 10%): Hoodie
165: Scrubs Season 6
160: 40 (70 lbs since 1st time around)! New Tattoo: "Carpe Diem" design
^ the things I changed here are that I took away the goals for 154/150. I think I have to wait until I get closer to even figure out if this is feasible/what I want. Also, I had 170 set as a mani/pedi, but I am trying to get those more often to treat myself, so I would rather get myself a nice hoodie for spring. 


OP 2 Overcome:
Just starting a new cycle to refocus on myself. Focus on my GHGs, stop stress eating, and try new foods. Today is day 1/21. So far, I have in:
2 liquids (I count water only, I have drank more than that, but this is to keep me on track)
2 healthy oils
Multivitamin
1 fruit
1 dairy


Not bad for just having had lunch! I'm going to KILL it this week!

March Goals, Revisited + new April Goals

March, revisited.
1. Log 72 training miles for LI Half Marathon. (This is the "light" version of the schedule, with 3 runs a week. I may choose 4 some week, which means I should kick this mileage's ASS!)
2. Try 4 new recipes.
3. Lose 4 lbs, forgive myself IF I don't!
4. Take a class, fitness or otherwise.
5. Commit to and complete a new cycle of OP 2 Overcome. (Will start Saturday 3/5 after WI)


1. As of 3/27: 32.48...Scheduled for final week? 12. I think my Math was a little off, though I am definitely short on long runs!
2. Emily Bites' White Lasagna, Skinnytaste.com's Skinny Taco Dip, Skinnytaste's No Bake Pumpkin Cheesecake, Skinnytaste's Chicken Pot Pie soup.
3. GAINED .2. Plateauing? There is a need for refocusing here!
4. Went to a Technology Workshop!
5. Did not do


April:
1. Log 62 miles, completing Half Marathon training
2.Try 4 new recipes
3. Hit my next minigoal of 175, forgive myself if I don't
4. Begin working INSANITY warm-ups into non-running days
5. Take a pole dancing class (on my 101 list!)

Up .8

...but I'm OK with it. The honest truth is that I was NOT too good to myself/my body this week...My WW weight record says this is the same weight I was two weeks ago, so I can deal. I'm still in the 170's, even better...just really need to hit that 175 to remotivate and keep me going!

But, in the grand scheme, I guess it's really great that I DID only go up .8...Last night, I went out with P and his friends to celebrate his birthday. We went to a Hibachi Grill, it was a great time! I had Hibachi Shrimp with white rice...and many a Sake Bomb.

P's bff brought out a rainbow-cookie cake from an Italian Bakery. Had a slice of that shit, too. It was DELICIOUS...then we went out to yet another bar and I continued drinking (I like my booze....about once a month, I have a blow-out night!).

I guess it's possible that if I did not have a night like this, I could have lost weight today, but - what makes this program livable is that I don't feel guilty about this at all...I enjoyed myself, I didn't exactly track, but I made decent choices at dinner...and I'm moving forward, upward and onward.

I've been struggling with my P+ a little bit lately, that's no secret - so I'm trying something new this week. I need more on my dailies - the program was easiER when I was over 30 P+ a day...SO, this is my plan for this week:

49 WPA (which I always eat)
-
2 WPA/Day (bring my DPA from 29 to 31)
=
35 WPA

I set it up so that I will still have weeklies, and still be using all of my WPA anyway. I also plan to eat about HALF of my AP's - I must eat them, as I'm training for the half marathon, and my body will need something extra from all of the mileage.

Ready to have a GOOD week, and a big loss next Saturday...WW Gods, give me strength!