I'm back...

I'll be working my way through the process of intuitive eating...cause all of the other shit has to be over.

And, I'd really like to love my body again.

Are you still here???

...cause I'm coming back, in attempt to gain emotional control!

If you want to hear about my cooking, you can find it at kellysstellarkitchen.com

10 Day You Challenge: Day 5: 6 Places

...Places I'd like to go:

1. Disney - Florida. That place can make me smile when I'm feeling crappy as hell. And this one time, I ran a marathon there.

2. London, cause I've always wanted to.

3. French-speaking Canada, or Paris, to use my limited French.

4. Denver, CO. Lots of friends who live there, and it looks beautiful.

5. Salt Lake City, Utah.....the tourism commercials are amazing.

6. Hawaii.

10 Day You Challenge: Day 4: 7 Wants

1. A teaching job...a return to the classroom. My heart hurts.

2. A vacation. Somewhere warm. It's been 4 years....

3.  To reach and live at my goal weight.

4. To be married, someday.

5. To have children, someday. 

6. To get out of debt.

7. Did I mention a teaching job?

10 Day You Challenge: Day 3: 8 Fears

1. Being alone. This is my hugest fear.


2. I fear never returning to the classroom to teach again.

3. Horror movies.

4. Not being able to conceive my own children.

5. Cancer. It's taking my family by storm lately.

6. I fear that I will lose my sense of self.

7. Diabetes. My mother has it, and I am predisposed to it by BOTH genetics, medical conditions, and my BMI.

8. Losing one of my parents before I get married & have children. I never had any grandfathers (that I remember) and I really don't want my children to experience that.

10 Day You Challenge: Day Two: 9 Loves

1. Flavored lattes: They are a TRUE indulgence for me. Nonfat, sugar-free when possible, and sometimes even soy for a rich, thick flavor. They represent slowing down - something I don't do often.

2. Stars: In any form. In the sky, star jewelry, star tattoos (I have some). It started with stars in the sky at a VERY young age. They bring me peace. I'm not sure HOW it started, but I just LOVE bright stars in a dark night's sky.

3. Cooking: In all capacities: cooking for myself, cooking for others, cooking for entertainment...I have a whole photo album dedicated to my cooking on facebook. I REALLY enjoy making flavorful things WW-friendly.

4. Making lists. Crossing things off.


5. Dance classes. Taking, teaching. Performing.

^ Not me. If only.

6. Wrapping Christmas presents. I <3 Christmas.

7. Spooning. Makes me feel very safe. And warm. And loved.

8. Microbrews. Especially Blue Point Blueberry.

9. Getting flowers....It's been so long.  

10- Day You Challenge

10 Day YOU Challenge: Day 1

Ten Memories:

• 
1. The day I bought Rowdy home from the airport, over 3 years ago...
2. The moment went, driving down to NC to move I had a mini-panic attack and my eyes welled up with tears because it hit me that I was moving INTO the unknown.
3. HS band and all of the fabulous things that came with it
4. Falling over into a bush after a party in college on this night (I'm on far right)
5. My baby brother being born in 1986
6. When my cat had kittens in 4th grade
7. My student teaching experience...I can still see those kids' faces in my head. They're in 10th grade now.
8. My 25th Birthday...surrounded by my best friends, lots of booze, and getting penis cake smudged on my face (I was a pleasant 172ish then)
9. Completing a Marathon in 2008
10. Getting my bid to my sorority and pledging my love to my sisters

It happened....

I was on the stationary bike at the gym yesterday, when it HAPPENED.

I don't really know what "it" is, per se.

But as I pedaled along to The Used blaring in my ears, it dawned on me.

I have less than 30 lbs to a healthy BMI (25.2, to be exact). I need to be and CAN be much closer to goal by the year's end.

When the year started, I planned to be at goal by December 31, 2011. Then life happened and I gained some weight back. I don't think it's realistic to lose 25.2 lbs by then.

But 18 lbs is pretty realistic.

18 is the number of WI's I have until December 31, 2011.

185.2 - 18 = 167.2

^I can DO that. And *if* I don't, it's OK.

I'm GOING to get there...

Plans:
GHGs daily
Gym for 1 hour 3x/week
Plan to plan....to plan

More on this later.

I'm going to lose 18 more lbs in 2011.

I'll be blogging more on this after retail job.

Sooo, we've been talking for a long time....but....

....what is it you look for in a blog?

I need to improve upon my current blog, devote more time to it, and make it more than then than it is.

I appreciate the feedback!!!

KJ

Saturday WI..and back to blogging...and P+

So, today, somehow, I managed to be down .2, though I know I really didn't deserve it at all. The emotional eating has been out of control. Here I am, working on becoming financially fit through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book, and it's raising so many of my stressors bc of the impending negative income I'm about to have. September = income + bills = -bank account

I mean, as you've seen through other postings, there's so much more *to* what I've been going through (since April) but it's really hitting me hard now that I am counting the days until I'm out of healthcare.....I'm panicking, on all accounts, and DBF is running into some financial downfall also. 6 months in, and we're both financially effed. Unless I get a (very unlikely) call from another school to transfer to in the next 3 weeks.....

Anyway, I decided that this week, I need to get my sh!t together, and I'm going to try something that my leader recommends (after talking to her for about 30 mins and crying out of fear and self-loathing). She has told us in meetings before to use your 49 ONLY on indulgences, and to use your DP's to eat "satisfying food" aka your GHGs.

So, I'm trying that. I already used 8 P+ since WI this morning, but I already earned 4AP...I was going to try to run, but my legs feel like rubber from a pole dance class this morning.

I need to get my menus up...and walk the dog. I need to kick my own ass this week. Wish me luck.

Accountability thread....

I posted to an accountability thread on Friday that I would blog my menus Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

However, I did not realize that I have to RE-TYPE everything that I put into my e-tools, and that I couldn't just use a screenshot.

:::crankypants:::

I went 16P+ further into the red last night...oh welly. I'll try to post later. WI post coming in 3...2...

Fat. Fat. Fatty fat fat.

Last week, I weighed in at 185.8.

I'm pretty sure tomorrow, I will weigh in at 187 or higher.

And it feels terrible. Horrible. My clothes don't fit. I don't want to even LOOK at my face in the mirror, because once I am over 181, I can SEE myself getting fatter in my face. I cancelled my scheduled Zumba class today because I can't handle the stress I will feel looking at myself in a mirror for an hour.

I'm having intense feelings of depression. Every day, I start off great. Every lunch, I'm still OP.

But somewhere betweenn 3PM, and bed, it all goes downhill.
I have way too much time to think about how I was blatantly WRONGED by my bosses when they told me I wasn't invited back in April.

I have too much time to think about how there are no openings in the Public schools.

I have too much time to think about WHY I didn't get an interview with the school I screened with, when my in-progress graduate degree is EXACTLY what the position entailed.

I have too much time to think about how I could potentially be making only $300/month in the fall, with medical expenses double or triple that, and no health benefits.

I have too much time to think about how right now, I have no idea if I can actually finish my grad degree bc I have no way to fund it.

There's all of this, and there's SO much more. So then, I eat. Usually, it's not an out-and-out binge, but little BLTs throughout the day. Or a 2x portion size @ dinner. Or bread I didn't plan for bc my dad and bro can't eat anything without fresh italian bread.

I cry all day, almost every other day. I don't know HOW to get out of this misery. I can't stand people telling me to "stay positive" because "it will get better"....because honestly, I have been out of college for 6 years, and hearing this for 6 years.

When do I get my break? When can I STOP this cycle of eating and crying, crying and eating?

I'm so so so lost.

I need to get weight off before I go back to teaching dance in September, otherwise I'm going to have my old "mirror" breakdowns like once a month...**sigh**

Tap Dancing....

...I just tapped for about an hour, doing choreography, warm-ups, and wearing my HRM...

It burned about 550! Why wasn't I thinner in HS??  Oh, right. Doritos and a lifetime of emotional eating.

Sweaty dancer face:

(Pardon cleavage. That's a VS bra-top shirt, and TOM at work...I swear I'm only a B cup!)

Hope I get this job at the dance studio Tuesday. I'll be tapping and doing jazz ALL weekend to brush up...it's been over a year since I taught dance! I feel so lost! 

Hey you guys!!!

Remember that time I used to write funny things?

Nope, you certainly don't, because that was LONG before I was blogging about weight loss.

I've been less than entertaining lately. In fact, I've been downright...well....down.

But, after my Friday evening was spent  reviewing QUITE humorous blogs, I decided I need to use this free time (read: unemployment-ish-status) to focus on making my blog and weight loss journey slightly more humorous.

I'm not sure HOW I am going to do that yet, but it's coming.

Either way, back down to 183.4 this week....need to bounce down to 170's ASAP. 90 Days till college BFF's wedding....

184.6

I'm done gaining. My knee hurts. My back was out. My body can't handle more weight.

So, I think I'm going to play a new mental game with myself:
10% of 184.6 is 18.4....
5% of that is 9.2....

So my next goal is 175.4

98 days to Meredith's wedding. I've got to get it together.

OP2 Overcome day 1 is in the bag...Here goes nothing...

I start working out again tomorrow after work...

:::waves white flag:::

I've cried about 1/3 of the day today.

This summer is really sucking, and if I did NOT have the world's awesome-est BF, my life would be in shambles.

I wish I could live on my own....

I feel terrible.

I tried for SO long to keep my blog posts positive, but since work ended, I feel absolutely terrible.

I gained 4.2 lbs over the past 2 WI's, and am pretty sure I'll be gaining this week, too.

I've had bad luck with my health, so I haven't worked out (shin splints, ear infection/dizziness, and now my back is out).

I have no structure in my schedule.

I had a pre-interview screening on Tuesday for a DREAM JOB. I thought it was an interview when I went. I haven't heard back.....and I thought it went really well, so I'm crushed again.

I don't have the money to really DO anything during the day....so I'm stuck in the house. And I can't work out. And I feel terrible about myself. So I've been eating.

I want this job so bad, but I feel like the window of opportunity has passed. I cried this morning. Between my back pain and the job, and dreaming all last night of getting "terminated" again and again is way too much for me to handle.

The days feel SO long when you're isolated with next to nothing to do.

I just want to stop feeling fat and terrible. I want to fix my back, and my ears, and my thyroid so I can RUN.

I also want to curl up into a ball in the fetal position and lay there for 17,000 hours.

Mid-week Peek: Up 3, and new hope....

So a week of recovery is turning out to be a week of body abuse. It's SO tough to have an unstructured schedule, coming from a highly structured schedule (for me, anyways). With it being TOM, I seriously snacked ALL week.

I had shin splints, so I didn't/couldn't work out - I'm wearing sneakers today, and am planning on Zumba & a walk tomorrow.

Basically, I don't think there is ANY way that I will be down on Saturday, but right now, I am just trying to NOT have gained anymore. My brother and I are FINALLY taking my father out to dinner for Father's Day tonight...so I need to be REALLY careful with my food choices. (Note to self: pass on bread. Bread is JUST bread. It's not going out of style and it will ALWAYS be around).

New hope: I got a call today from an Assistant Principal who saw my name and qualifications on the transfer list in my Diocese! I have an interview on Tuesday for a 3rd Grade Math & Science position. I'm SO excited, and it feels good to feel wanted.

I'm going to be spending a few hours each day preparing for this interview - this job is RIGHT up my alley!!! Wish me luck. I need this!

Recovery....

Last week, I missed my WI bc I had to work my retail job. But I did my WI at home, and I was up TWO lbs. I thought, for sure, that I would be up more weight this week, after not being able to run, and being a PMS/Carb monster all week. NO CONTROL.

Thankfully, I was down a pound. Now, I need to recover from a terrible week of NOT EVEN TRACKING for 4 days. I NEVER do that.

Next week, I need to SLAM it into the 170s. Like, 2 lb loss or something. 170s are such a mental hurdle for me.

OP 2 Overcome, Day 1 again...At least today is off to a good start.

My school year is over, and this presents new challenges:
1. No longer being on a "regimented" schedule.
2. Spending more time at home to job search/avoid spending money.
3. No reason to NOT have a glass of wine on a random weekday.
4. Night class: Tu/Th 5 - 10:45....
5. More free time to spend with DBF <--- awesome, but we tend to eat a lot of meals out together....he usually lets me pick the place though.

This week's challenges - late Father's Day dinner at this restaurant. (You may recognize it from Man vs. Food). I haven't planned for what I am going to get just yet, but hopefully I can get some runs in and use up my AP's for something delicious...They have buffalo mac & cheese!!

Yet another challenge: Little Brother is turning 25 on July 2. Divorced families = 2 celebrations. For my dad's side of the family, I will be making THIS cake: http://www.alwaysorderdessert.com/2009/11/italian-rainbow-cookie-cake.html

TERRIFIED to put it into the Recipe Builder....but I will have to do that when it gets a little bit closer.